I can’t stop looking at newborn photos of the girls. It fills me with a sense of wonder, dread, love, and wistfulness all at once.
Wonder because I cannot believe (still!) that I carried and birthed twins. Twins! Twins that, as far as I knew, it was not in the cards for me to have.
Dread because as much as I love my girls, I do not think I could get through another twin pregnancy and newborns with my sanity intact. I don’t know if my marriage to Ken could survive another set of twins. Not that we have ever been in any danger, but I was not nicest person in the world to him through the last months of pregnancy and the first months of babies. He has put up with a lot and watched the woman he knew to be his wife leave and come back. That’s a lot for a person to deal with – to LIVE with. The possibility of having twins again is what makes us hesitate about having more kids.
Love because… um, do I really have to explain this one? Yeah, I thought not.
And wistfulness because (despite what the dread paragraph says) I would love to have more babies. Just, you know, one at a time. 🙂
Haley. She was a momma’s girl from the get-go. She was (and still is) the one who likes to co-sleep with me. She was the one I could breastfeed lying down, she demands to be in physical contact with me a good portion of the time. And woe be to me if there is anything else I need to do.
And my sweet Hazel. Who was, and still is, so mellow and so stubborn all at the same time. She was the one who wedged her head into my ribcage and would. not. move. No matter how many cold packs I put on top of her or how many positions I tried off of spinning babies. She would only sleep if she could hear a heartbeat. Ken and I could put her anywhere on our chest and she would wiggle herself until her ear was over our heartbeat.
And now they are big. And monsters. And I love them in a much more complete way than I did a year and 2 months ago.
PS. H-Squared was nominated in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Moms of Multiples Blogs. Please vote for us! 
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